the epiphany..continued

its a dull mild Sunday evening and outside the birds are indulging in whimsical conversation. it never fails me how they manage to sound so upbeat all the time, so optimistic. i came on here to detail the epiphany produced by good Friday mass, and it wasn't from the priest talk. As i looked around me at all the women in their wonderfully bright clothing, I began to feel chirpy about being back at home. not so, when I looked at their faces. everybody had that nervous cautious gaze glued on, peppered with a nasty air of cool arrogance. the people were literally twisting around to gulp in the room and work out who's who and what is what. And my, had it taken its toll. i saw girls i went to school with who were so beautiful and fine featured then, who had now become fearful and bitter. so much for the Celtic tiger. things haven't really changed in Ireland. we are still living in small towns, desperately clinging onto our reputations, fearing the institutions of power. where I live, the institution of power is not so much a building or place as such, but rather the fear that lurks inside each towns person-a fear of losing other peoples respect for the clan by any wrong move. they live, just as I did at school, like fish flung out of water-gasping for life yet resigning themselves to the terror of the wrath of others. its written in elaborate fountain pen on their faces-the tight facial expressions and loose tongues when socialising after mass. everybody has their place in this town and you are dammed if you dare reject it. its a sad existance.

Aside from a subjective glance on Ireland I believe I may have found myself a new love shape. its early days yet-do not wish to post until I know more about him and I, and us. But my fear of death has slowly subsided as I now look forward to maybe building something with somebody new. he does not come from the same cultural background, so the exploration should make for interesting blogging. i'll keep you up to date :)