first days

today as i lounged back on a very cramped bus i thought about probably what is most peoples first introduction into the outside world-their first day of school. it is strange that it is just the photo albums of proud parents that add weight to this momentous occasion. every single person-bar those that are home schooled must go through this particular experience and yet we seldom articulate this almost universal experience and the emotions experienced alongside it. it is particularly strange we do not discuss it in books magazines newspapers etc-when one considers that we relive the first day experience many times over within the average life time. there is first day at secondary school, first day at college/university and first days at new jobs. as with all experiences each holds its unique points but i am certain there must be a collective experience/feeling or image we can recall that resonates itself with many-regardless of age, nationality etc.

I do not really recall my own first day-images are lost now as time has gone by. there are the photos-me standing beside the garage dwarfed by a sea of maroon and a smile that would light up the darkest of caves. i was so excited-little did i know how i would experience the education system in later years. its strange to see yourself so small, so enthusiastic-so naive. everything onour body looks so formal-unlike the usual grass stained grubby attire. my hair was blond then. i do not remember the journey-although i would be travelling the same route for the next 8 years and even now could walk it backwards after a night at the pub. i do remember the first entry-the room smelled of shoe polish, a dull detergent scent and the bland waft of fresh chalk. it was like stepping into a field of dark red flowers-almost immediately i could be mistaken for any of these strangers, we were all the same. i remember scanning the room-holding tightly onto my mother's hand, the previous excitement hiding in the car i had just exited. there were so many faces i had not seen before-and many of them much bigger than me. i did not like this-being the eldest child. as we opened the door everybody turned around to eye up the newcomer-there were people everywhere-in chairs, on top of desks, sitting rigidly cross-legged on the floor. they were too absorbed in idle childish chatter to pass remark-but they had already neatly fitted this new child into a category. usually at this age its not eligibility due to social background (although those children do exist) but rather "would she make a good playmate?". children are wonderful really-like us adults their self interest is blatantly evident.

you expect kindness on your first day any where-usually it is absent, although sometimes it braves the new soil at an unexpected moment. you expect to learn so much-you do, but not usually the kinds of things you expect to learn (like how to spell). you learn no matter where you are, there is always a unspoken frisson in the air-an energy never written about on work websites or in school brochures but exists independent of any enthusiastic claims. you learn almost immediately who you want to be your best friend-usually the person most inaccessible to you. you learn at later first days that the first to welcome you and include you will need to be watched at a future point.

these thoughts go unremarked upon in the photos hanging up in the hallways of family homes. the real whirls of emotion that pass through the body of a child are often forgotten about-other than by the parent who will always remember the response to "and how was your first day at school?". you live first days over and over-somehow time manages to alter them into a tapestry of a yesteryear where the colours aren't quite as bright and glorious.